my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
