i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
