WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
