sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
