So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
