Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
