we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
