I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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