I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
