it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
