i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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