Your dad touched me again.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
