i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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