he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
