She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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