Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
