If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
