4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
