Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
FUCK WHALES
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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