I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
