Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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