please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
