I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
