Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
