I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
