We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
