yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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