New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
