Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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