I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Randomize
