everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
