I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
