For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
