so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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