im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
