the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
