Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
