Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
