We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
