he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
