Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
