Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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