I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
