Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
