so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
