just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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