i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize