fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
her vagine was all disorganized.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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