Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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