shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
