She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
